Always In Motion.

Granted I sometimes allow myself to be controlled by the intense emotions that thrive inside myself. I all the thoughts of others to control the out come of my own thoughts. I am in the process of ending the cycle of depression and stagnation, Soon I hope to be medicated once more, I hope to soon change the way I view my world. Continue my hobbies and education. I will continue to be always in motion.

Roxelana

As I close my eyes, a vision of your splendor and beauty arises in my mind. As I sat across from you I search your eyes and find a world of amazing grace and love. A natural soul who is fragile and strong. Your heart is the ocean I wish to swim in, your love the the reward I yearn for. The time I spend with you is time that matters. I love you Janelle. I always will. Even if you never can love me.  

Lessons and Questions.

There are times I yearn for past moments. When times were amazing and the feelings I had were euphoric. When we are young we tend to think we will live forever. Unfortunately we learn we are far more fragile. Not just our bones, but also our hearts. The love of a woman and/or a man is a delicate thing, just as fragile as life, but sometimes a bit more resilient. I have ever truly loved twice in my life. Each time I have mucked it up somehow with either my selfishness or my lack of understanding women. What kills is seeing other people happy and in love, while knowing that amount of happiness may never come to you. Some of us are destined to be serial lovers while others are to be solitary birds who fly alone towards an unknown destination. Which one am I. Well I could not tell you. All I know is I lost something pretty special, someone pretty amazing, because of my impatience, selfishness, and lack of understanding. I am the reason I can not have nice things. Blaming other because of my failing is not something I will do. Like the Bard once said "The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, but in ourselves." I was afraid of losing her, but I already lost her because of my actions. 

Oy.

Currently I am trying to stay positive and focus on my goals. The only problem I have is I have way to many negative people around me. I have idiots for friends, and "Debbie downers" for family. Sometimes I wish I was born into a different family, but I am stuck with these people. I can on the other hand delete the so called friends from my life. I just can not let shit get the best of me. One a brighter note, I did find my original boxes for my NES and SNES in the attic today. Good times and good memories.

Reality Check

Had a conversation with my friend Andrew. Who swiftly kicked me in my ass and reminded me that life is not suppose to be easy. Before I move again, I am hoping to have some money saved, either 5-10 grand in savings just in case some thing goes wrong. Life is a calm river one minute and a rushing thrill ride the next. It is better to be prepared than to have noting and lose your shirt. Andrew thinks I am out of my mind for wanting to do this. On another note I finished Dishonored tonight. Amazing game, which has a social and environmental message behind it. I hope more people play it. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Someone once told me to walk away from everyone who holds you back. I am starting to think it also includes my family. I do not think as they do. I do not want to think like they do. The way they think is boring, constricting. We shall see if this is the right choice.

Maybe I am mentally incapable of being human.

Or just not capable of doing anything right. including college. I have rotting teeth and an expanding waistline. I am the perfect example of a loser in our current society. Currently I have mounting debts and no hope on the horizon. What little faith in God I once has has dwindled to almost nothing. While I try and be a law abiding person, I see other who have evil in their hearts have the life i want to live. I know this sounds really fucking stupid, but it is what goes through my mind. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but I don't due to my nieces, I do not want to cause them anymore grief than I already have. I am a fool, a horrible joke God gladly put on this earth for his enjoyment, and the enjoyment of others. Well that is what I think. Oh well. The only thing that gives me joy anymore is Gaming and listening to Trance/DnB music. Sad thing is I know I will die alone. Such is my life.