Always In Motion.

Granted I sometimes allow myself to be controlled by the intense emotions that thrive inside myself. I all the thoughts of others to control the out come of my own thoughts. I am in the process of ending the cycle of depression and stagnation, Soon I hope to be medicated once more, I hope to soon change the way I view my world. Continue my hobbies and education. I will continue to be always in motion.

Roxelana

As I close my eyes, a vision of your splendor and beauty arises in my mind. As I sat across from you I search your eyes and find a world of amazing grace and love. A natural soul who is fragile and strong. Your heart is the ocean I wish to swim in, your love the the reward I yearn for. The time I spend with you is time that matters. I love you Janelle. I always will. Even if you never can love me.  

Lessons and Questions.

There are times I yearn for past moments. When times were amazing and the feelings I had were euphoric. When we are young we tend to think we will live forever. Unfortunately we learn we are far more fragile. Not just our bones, but also our hearts. The love of a woman and/or a man is a delicate thing, just as fragile as life, but sometimes a bit more resilient. I have ever truly loved twice in my life. Each time I have mucked it up somehow with either my selfishness or my lack of understanding women. What kills is seeing other people happy and in love, while knowing that amount of happiness may never come to you. Some of us are destined to be serial lovers while others are to be solitary birds who fly alone towards an unknown destination. Which one am I. Well I could not tell you. All I know is I lost something pretty special, someone pretty amazing, because of my impatience, selfishness, and lack of understanding. I am the reason I can not have nice things. Blaming other because of my failing is not something I will do. Like the Bard once said "The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars, but in ourselves." I was afraid of losing her, but I already lost her because of my actions.